Went out for steak last night with my lovely friends. I had hoped it would make me feel better, but it didn't. I feel all full of hate. My two favourite people are on my 'to kill' list right now. Its all my fault, I should know better.

In better, happier, life-saving news - Michele gets here wednesday.

Goodnight and thank you.

"tired of being told I'm wrong to want it by the same people who tell me I'm bad for not being it already."

Not terribly well put, but the sentiment is one I've expressed a million times. I admit it - I fixate on the anorexia communities. I can't stop reading them. I pour over them and have favourite personalities I try to focus on in particular. I hate admitting that I read them, but I can't help it. I'm transfixed. I've lost 40 pounds in the past 6 months or so. I honestly can't think of anything else that feels that good. I hate math, I hate numbers, I love stepping on a digital scale.

A long time ago, Janeane said she would never sell out, she said she would never be thin. She had lots of reasons, and sounded totally comitted to being true to who she was and the people who looked up to her. She ended up losing some ridiculous amount of weight and then later apologizing for it. I want to be like Janeane. Who doesn't love her?

In related news - OpenBSD 3.2 is available in beta. BSD people are such elitists. Its great. I even have a little tiny bit of love for Theo, despite the fact that he is an ass.

There's a point to this.
A point I think I often miss.
Oh clever, clever, where's your heart?
You can turn a phrase until it reads a million ways.

"I love him so much. I never thought that being with someone else could feel so close to being one person in two bodies."

Please don't let me hit the ground.

If they were Greek, they'd go to jail.

Today was a wonderful day. Many things both social and physical were put in their place. I feel a nice sense of completeness. I did tons of cleaning with the help of Stef Campbell. I think I'm going to keep going with it. Clean everything I own, be totally OCD for a day. Then I'm going to take lots of photos of the clean and put them up here to motivate me in the future. Plus, I'm really into seeing the living spaces of others and how they choose to photograph them. Its fun.

I need to organize the trip to the fair for Tuesday. I wonder if Pete Reddington would want to go.

"The view from my apartment was the World Trade Center and now it's gone. They attacked it. This symbol of American ingenuity and strength and labor and imagination and commerce and it is gone. But you know what the view is now? The Statue of Liberty. The view from the south of Manhattan is now the Statue of Liberty. You can't beat that."

Remember today that living your life in fear is not really living your life.

As for me, dear reader - its not so much the suffering through the actions and the actual doing that is a problem. Am I still awarded all the credit for the act, if the motivation and emotional after math are completely wrong?

Star Bar? How does that work? I'm scared of it.

I love the non-sequitor

I'm sexy, I'm cute,/ I'm popular to boot,/ I'm bitch-in', great hair,/ The boys all love to stare,/ I'm wanted, I'm hot,/ I'm everything you're not,/ I'm pretty, I'm cool,/ I dominate the school,/ Who am I? Just guess,/ Guys wanna touch my chest,/ I'm rockin', I smile,/ If anything I'm vile,/ I'm flyin', I jump,/ You can look but/ Don't you hump,/ Whoo/ I'm major, I roar,/ I swear I'm not a whore,/ We cheer and we lead,/ We act like we're on speed,/ You hate us 'cause we're beautiful,/ Well we don't like you either,/ We are cheerleaders

Sherrod's Best Film of 2000 - Bring It On

This got me thinking too about poetry. I hate poetry. I'd rather read the back of a tube of toothpaste. I actually spent some time in #poetry two nights ago, harassing a friend of mine. I enjoy his writing. All the forms of it. However, I've come to find interpersonal writing and correspondence to be a much higher art form than poerty could ever asipre to. I enjoy it far more, and it impassions and changes me.

I miss A. Its a stange thing to be conscious of his absence.

"You can achieve anything if you apply the right amount of patience and flattery."

Its true. Therefor, whenever someone seems unearthly patient or overly flattering, I assume they're trying to get something from me. I also find patience very attractive - not only because its comforting and nice, but also because I, myself am not a very patient person. I'm not impatient, but certainly not a saint.

Yeah.
It gets better.

You take me here from far
Up to the highest star
You took a part of me
No one else will ever see
And if I gave away
What I'm dying to say
I couldn't give you more than this
I was born and it was bliss
I have died for a thousand years
Tasted salt of a thousand tears
And your kiss was almost gold

You took me near you took me far,
Up to the highest brightest star
You're giving back the exchange,
We got something going on
And if I ever fell from grace
With every living human state
Well I throw the whole thing down
And I take to higher ground
Cast a spell on my surround
Time to think on what I found
This is almost gold